


Charmless, Tasteless, and Stupid

by mongoose_bite



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Harry Lives, Harry as Arthur, Humor, M/M, ass worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:37:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4350839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mongoose_bite/pseuds/mongoose_bite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry expresses a distaste for the fashion for young gentlemen to wear their trousers lower than their pants. Eggsy reacts unexpectedly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Charmless, Tasteless, and Stupid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChryseisYumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChryseisYumi/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Tina!

Harry liked to think of himself as more tolerant of youth culture than most of his generation and class. There simply was no point in tut-tutting over whatever the kids were into now; it was a rite of passage as far as he was concerned, for young people to wear things guaranteed to make them cringe twenty years later.

He'd been young in the seventies, after all, and he really had no claim to the moral high ground. The pictures still existed, although thankfully the internet hadn't back then, and the evidence was safely tucked away in a shoebox in his attic somewhere.

He'd even go so far as to say it wasn't all bad. He was rather fond of Eggsy's ridiculous little winged shoes, for example, although he'd never admit it and it certainly had nothing to do with how fond he may or may not be of their owner. He'd even given his protege a replacement pair for Christmas when the originals started getting a bit battered and sad. Merlin said the tech people had a great deal of trouble getting the blade mechanism to work reliably in such a soft shoe, but Eggsy's charmed and charming delight at the gift made the suffering of the nameless techs all worthwhile.

But there were limits, he reflected as he strolled to the shop, and this individual had definitely crossed them. He could have lengthened his stride and overtaken the young man in front of him, but he found himself watching with a sort of horrified fascination. The stranger was nodding along to his music, oblivious of Harry's disapproval. He was wearing jeans, although Harry thought 'wearing' was a rather generous use of the term. His belt was around his thighs, giving all and sundry a view of about seven inches of rather uninteresting, baggy boxers.

It remained a mystery to Harry how his trousers didn't fall right off and collect at his ankles. Eventually, mercifully, their paths diverged, and Harry entered the tailor's shop.

He was describing this sartorial abomination to Merlin later, as they stood in the break room, waiting for the tea to brew.

“Imagine trying to run for the bus or something,” Harry was saying. “You'd fall flat on your face.”

“What's this then?” Eggsy asked, strolling up and insinuating himself into the conversation the way he always did without so much as a 'pardon me for interrupting.' He was on his way out on a mission after a briefing, his suit flawless and bloodstain free for now while the jet was being fuelled.

“I don't need to hear this twice,” Merlin said, grabbing his mug and making his escape while Harry launched into an explanation.

“You were staring at some guy's arse?” Eggsy asked, once Harry had explained. He pretended to look hurt and Harry pretended to look exasperated.

“Jealous are you?”

“Well lookin' at mine puts you in a much better mood, don't it?” Eggsy said, grinning. “Was it really that bad then?”

Harry poured milk into his tea. “It was the most horrible thing I've seen all week, and I watched the footage of Ector's last mission.”

“That was sick that was. So you really don't like it then; 'youths today and their low trousers?'”

“It's my considered opinion that it's charmless, tasteless, and stupid. Do have a good trip, Eggsy. Sydney at this time of year should be savoured.”

“Will do, Harry. Don't overwork yourself while I'm gone. You'll need your energy when I get back.”

Eggsy winked at him and sauntered out, and Harry reflected that Eggsy really didn't have to worry about the competition; his arse was flawless, especially in suits that Harry had tailored himself to show it to its best advantage. He'd told Eggsy as such once or twice and had Eggsy preened and wiggled his eyebrows.

Their little flirtation certainly made being stuck at home as Arthur a bit more enjoyable, although he had no doubt it would end eventually. Eggsy was too charming and sweet to remain single forever.

And Harry, Harry was resigned. He was old enough to be realistic about these sorts of things.

He gave the incident no further thought. Eggsy returned from his mission and went out on another and a couple of weeks went by, and thus Harry was caught entirely by surprise the next time Roxy and Eggsy had a uniform free day. In Chester's day such a thing would never be allowed, but in deference to Roxy's desire to wear something cute occasionally and Eggsy's well made point that there was no reason to wear a suit if he was just going to spend all day at the gym or practice range, Harry had relaxed the rules.

Even if it was deeply weird seeing Merlin in jeans occasionally.

Merlin wasn't wearing jeans today but Eggsy was, Harry noted absently as he strolled into Merlin's office. Being a trained spy he noted a great many other things as well, but if he was honest he didn't really process any of them. Eggsy had his back to the door, and upon Harry's entrance he turned from the waist, smiled at him, and shoved his hands into his pockets.

A deliberate gesture, designed to draw attention to the way his jeans hung below his hips. For the first time in his life, Harry knew what colour underwear Eggsy was wearing.

“Only ten minutes late this morning,” Merlin said, glancing at the clock. “You're slipping. At this rate you'll be on time one of these days.”

“Mm.” Harry frowned at him, but his heart wasn't really in it.

“Morning boss,” Eggsy said. He knew Harry disliked being called boss. It sounded so American; like they were gangsters or something. He wasn't grinning so much as _smirking._

They were bright red, and cotton. Harry preferred silk himself, but he could see the point of the more elastic material as he approached the pair. Eggsy was wearing jeans only a couple of inches below what was sensible, revealing how well the cotton hugged the swell of each buttock and was drawn tight across the suspicion of the indentation between them, hiding it from view, but no more than that.

Harry had to hand it to him, he'd managed to turn the style to his best advantage. His jeans still concealed more than they revealed, although when he bunched his hands in his pockets he pulled the denim tighter.

Very well, he would concede defeat. But not while Merlin was in the room. He made small talk until Merlin told him to get out and get to work, and Eggsy said he was going to the range and they strolled out together.

“You win,” Harry said, as they walked down the corridor. “But I still would argue it a certain amount of restraint is still necessary to make it work.”

He expected a cocky, flirty response, but instead Eggsy just gave him a scowl. “What good is restraint?” he asked. And then he shoved his hands in his pockets again, ending the conversation by speeding up, his stroll morphing into the angry, leonine lope of young men everywhere. Harry watched him go, puzzled, but not too proud to admire the way he moved. He had to flick his eyes up when Eggsy looked over his shoulder.

Harry wasn't stupid, he knew escalation when he saw it, and over the course of the day Eggsy escalated with a kind of grim determination. He didn't talk to Harry any more than usual, perhaps less, because he took every opportunity to turn his back and cock a hip or lean against a wall, and metaphorically shove that strip of red cloth in Harry's face.

The joke wore thin at lunchtime when Eggsy ate his mother's sandwiches (apparently she was trying to make up for years of school meals) outside, his elbows on the railing of the balcony overlooking the training ground, and his jeans sliding another inch lower as he bent forward.

It wasn't really a joke any more.

Harry was almost relieved when the day ended; it had been a bit of a waste, really, as he'd been unable to concentrate on much. He stuck his head around Merlin's door to remind him not to work too late and wish him a good evening.

“Oh, Eggsy was looking for you,” Merlin said. “I think he went to your office.”

“I see. Thank you.”

“Mm. Goodnight.” Merlin's face gave nothing away. Either he didn't know, or he desperately was trying to pretend he didn't know.

Harry wouldn't have been entirely surprised if he'd found Eggsy bent over his desk with his jeans around his knees by this point, but when he returned to his office Eggsy was merely standing in front of it, back to the door (of fucking course) with his shoulders dropped and his hands loose at his sides in an attitude of forced calm. Eggsy might have been a brilliant spy, but he couldn't fool Harry. Not for a moment. Not when Harry had observed him for so long, learning every tell and twitch, not because he particularly wanted Eggsy to be an open book, but because he couldn't take his eyes off him.

He shut the door behind him.

“Eggsy.”

“Hello Harry.” He didn't turn around, and Harry moved closer. He was almost at his shoulder when Eggsy finally turned his head, eyes a little wide. Nervous.

Ah. This is the real thing, isn't it?

“Well, I'm not blind, Eggsy,” Harry began. “I did notice you've been presenting yourself all day, but.” He took a deep breath and kept his hands to himself. A gentleman asked first. “I want to know what you hoped would happen.”

When he spoke the word _presenting_ , Eggsy's nostrils flared and his swallowed. “I don't know. Anything would be fine.”

You can't say that, Harry thought. You _shouldn't_ say that. Eggsy's breath caught as Harry settled a hand on his hip.

“Anyone?” he asked.

“No.” Eggsy shook his head sharply. “Just you.”

A declaration like that deserved nothing less than a swift, complete answer. They were standing close enough that Harry could almost feel Eggsy's body heat, and as he leaned over his shoulder slightly Eggsy turned his head, lips parted and Harry accepted his invitation and pressed their mouths together. Eggsy started to turn towards him and Harry squeezed his hip slightly and he immediately stopped, letting his head loll back instead, leaning back against Harry's body.

So obedient when he chose to be. If Eggsy had been a dutiful, conforming young man it wouldn't have thrilled Harry like it did to have his trust, his compliance. He deepened the kiss, reaching up with his other hand to cup Eggsy's jaw.

Eggsy made a little sound, his fingers fluttering back against Harry's coat, still not game to just grab him the way he clearly wanted to. In time, Harry thought.

“Oh hell yes,” Eggsy breathed when they parted.

“Mm.”

Then Harry did what he'd been wanting to do all day, and ran his finger along the top of Eggsy's jeans, tracing the curve of his arse.

“Charmless, tasteless and stupid?” Eggsy asked, eyebrows raised.

“I've already acknowledged I was wrong,” Harry said severely.

“Yeah, but, I want to hear it again,” Eggsy said, his eyes alight, his smile impish. “You can do better than that.”

Harry knew a challenge when he saw one. “I dare say I could. Do you think you could handle it?”

“Yeah, Harry. Please.”

“Since you asked so nicely.” He slid his hand into Eggsy's jeans, the belt tight across his wrist. He squeezed a firm, perfect buttock and Eggsy arched his back, pressing back against Harry's hand, the cotton warm under his fingers. “You have such a nice arse.”

“Yeah?” The word started on a statement and ended like a question.

“Don't worry, I'll show you.” He held Eggsy's gaze as he very deliberately removed his hand and got down on his knees. Eggsy's jaw dropped slightly, and Harry suspected his knees might be shaking a bit in those baggy jeans. “Would you undo your belt, please?” Harry asked and he couldn't see Eggsy's hands but he heard the clink of metal. It seemed to take longer than really necessary for the leather to finally loosen, but Harry wasn't going to ask Eggsy if he was shaky.

He was a bit shaky himself.

The jeans settled lower on Eggsy's body, and Harry knelt up and pressed the flat of his palms over Eggsy's lower back, hiking his shirt up a little to do so. He could feel his muscles quiver under his touch. He slid his hands down and Eggsy's arms moved and Harry heard him undo his zipper as well and he hadn't asked him to but his jeans were falling off him as Harry moved his hands down, like a butterfly shedding its cocoon and if that thought wasn't a sign he needed to get a grip-

He got a grip. He palmed Eggsy's arse with both hands and squeezed, and Eggsy rolled his hips back, his muscles tensing under Harry's fingers. The jeans pooled at Eggsy's feet, unnoticed. Eggsy swayed a little as Harry kneaded his arse through his boxers and Eggsy bent forward slightly so he could brace his hands on the desk.

Harry could hear Eggsy's breathing, uneven and shallow, as he let his hands wander down Eggsy's thick, muscular thighs, trailing his fingers through the fine gold hairs. He didn't want to admit how many times he'd wondered what this would be like. He slid his hands between Eggsy's thighs, thinking about what else would fit there nicely; his hips, his cock, his head; the possibilities were real now, he could make them real, now Eggsy had gently insisted on placing himself in Harry's battered, lethal hands.

And he was so grateful, because Eggsy was beautiful, and one way or another he'd found his way into a great many dusty corners of Harry's life, and brightened them. Let in the sun.

“You've undone me,” Harry murmured, pressing his lips to the bare skin above Eggsy's boxers.

“Harry,” Eggsy croaked.

Harry ran a finger down the cleft between Eggsy's buttocks and Eggsy gave a kind of full-body shudder in response, goosebumps prickling along his legs. Harry kept exploring, pushing his fingers further forward and Eggsy spread his legs as wide as his jeans would let him. Harry slid his hand between Eggsy's legs, fingered his balls lightly, the boxers holding them snug against his body. He could tell Eggsy was hard by the way the cloth was stretched upwards but he didn't touch him and make sure.

Eggsy whimpered when he took his hands away from Eggsy's body and pulled at the elastic at the top of the boxers instead. Eggsy practically vibrated with anticipation as Harry eased them down. He couldn't see, but he could feel them catch on Eggsy's cock and then the soft snap of elastic springing back into place and Eggsy's soft grunt when it sprang free.

Harry had sort of forgotten what he was originally down here to prove, but he suspected he wasn't the only one. He gently brushed his hands across Eggsy's arse and then leaned forward and bit at Eggsy's perfect skin, hard but not brutal. Eggsy yelped and Harry felt him twist to try and see what he was doing.

“You are perfect,” Harry said, wiping away traces of his own spit with his thumb. “From every angle. But I rather do like this one.”

Eggsy gave a breathless little laugh as Harry started proving his point in earnest, kissing and biting, and sliding his hands wherever his fancy took him, although he never quite reached around far enough to touch Eggsy's cock. Eggsy's legs quivered slightly with the strain, and he kept saying Harry's name like it was a question. But he didn't ask for anything; he let Harry do as he pleased.

Lovely thing. Harry understood how he felt to be so teased; he ached for him, wanted to do more than touch.

Harry didn't have any supplies; it hadn't even occurred to him that he might want to indulge in sexual activity in his office after all, so he'd have to wait. He rubbed at Eggsy's hole with the pad of his thumb, dry, feeling it twitch, and curled his index finger to press his knuckle into the spot behind Eggsy's balls, varying the pressure on the hard flesh. He kept that up for a while, listening to Eggsy tremble and gasp above him.

“Think you could come like that?” Harry asked, after taking a few seconds to make sure his voice was going to come out even.

“No?” He could hear the pout in Eggsy's voice; he sounded like the very idea had never occurred to him. He had so much to discover, Harry thought affectionately. But he'd probably put him through enough for now, and if Harry was honest his knees were starting to ache. His cock was too, that went without saying; but it could wait for more comfortable and secure surroundings.

So he moved around slightly, to Eggsy's side, keeping his left hand where it was and finally getting a look at Eggsy's cock. It wasn't particularly long but fairly thick, and Harry anticipated getting his lips around it sometime soon. He could see the pulse in the vein underneath as it twitched in response to Harry's touch. It would be a bit of a waste to blow him now, however. Eggsy might have been sceptical but Harry could see he was pretty close to his limit, even if he didn't realise it.

He pressed his thumb a bit harder as he wrapped his other hand around Eggsy's cock, and that was enough. More than enough. He really hoped Merlin had gone home by this point because Eggsy _yelled_ and his hips drove forward against Harry's hand. Harry gazed up at him, watching his face, feeling his cock pulse in his hand, come dripping down over his fingers as he tried to catch it all. Spare the housekeeping that much. Eggsy's mouth was open and his eyes were squeezed shut, but he opened them soon enough, still panting, while Harry stroked him through it until he winced.

“Oh,” he said softly, licking his lips. “Well, that was, uh, something. Wow. Should I return the favour?” He was looking at the front of Harry's trousers so intently he might have been trying to burn a hole in them.

“Later,” Harry said, getting out his handkerchief. “I'm making you dinner first. It's only right.”

“Then what was this?” Eggsy said.

“A demonstration.” Harry cleaned his hand as best he could and then untangled Eggsy's clothes from around his feet, pulling them up.

“You don't have to-” Eggsy said, as Harry got to his feet, still dressing him.

“I'm afraid I do.” He stood behind Eggsy, pulled his jeans up to an acceptable height and reached around to do up the zip.

“Oi!” Eggsy was laughing. “You prat, you said they wasn't that bad.” He leaned back against Harry and Harry had no reason not to press his lips to the side of his face and did so.

“Exactly. You wear it too well. We don't want the idea to catch on, do we?”

“I'll only wear them like that for you, then.”

Harry raised an eyebrow. “You do and I'll take them right off you.”

Eggsy said that was the idea, and Harry looped an arm around his shoulders. They went home, Eggsy smiling and relaxed and bumping against Harry's side with every step, like he was tipsy and Harry basking in his delight and making plans for the long night ahead.

 


End file.
